Thinking out loud while "changing my thinking"

in Him


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Expect the unexpected

One of the three rules that was given to me during the engagement period was to expect the unexpected. And the snarky response I gave back, part good humour – part arrogance, “well if it’s unexpected, it’s just a little hard to expect it isn’t it?” (not exact words).

But thinking on this today, I have to admit, I am amazed at how  selfish I can be and at how often my inner insecure child surfaces from the shadows.

Everyday with this man, I witness selfless, unconditional love. A desire to do anything to make me happy… a willingness to take the lower road when confronted with my self-justified rants…a quiet observation of moods as I swim in a sea of negative thoughts in the distance. He has had to deal with all of this before, but now, its 24/7.

I have always known he is more generous and loving than me. With every boundary I subconsciously or consciously tested, he showed patience with his ability to step back, listen, comprehend, and remain committed. Yet somehow, despite knowing a lot of my own weaknesses, and boy are there many, I did not expect to be so without a true understanding of what love is.

For some reason, I assumed my seemingly theoretical knowledge and experience with a variety of romantic and non-romantic relationships would somehow equip me to … well let’s just say… I assumed I would be a better than this. Though I know I am imperfect and have some deeply rooted issues… I just thought I would be better.

Hearing him say the other day, “I don’t just read the bible… when you really look into the bible, you can not stay the same… you change… every time I change.” The truth is, inside me, a small part of me dismissed his statement like whatever and another part was taken a back by it. But man, what a reality check for me.

I have spent the past few years of my life studying or reading the bible sometimes consistently… other times not so much… but I never realized how much sin had really hindered my growth…hindered the planting of the word deep into the grounds of my heart to bear the necessary fruit.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

There is no doubt I need to humble myself. There is no doubt I need Him to remove the calluses from my heart. It’s time to really learn what love is.

 

 

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