Thinking out loud while "changing my thinking"

in Him


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Ground zero

I was just on the way to a rusty but decent post… then I chose to multitask …aka update java…and lost it all. Ugh!!!

It’s been at least 7 or 8 months since I last wrote a post and boy does it feel foreign at the moment. So many thoughts swirling through my mind… things that have been left untouched, some partially processed… and I think I’m slowly reaching the point where I would like to document them but I hesitate… where do I begin? What should I share and how much? Same old questions.

2014 was an eventful year. In fact, many will label it as a blessed year for me. Between securing a job, finishing grad school, engagement, survival summer job, moving up north to teach, and marriage! PHEW… but why am I not jumping up and down in excitement over all the changes?

Don’t get me wrong, I am basking in the “honeymoon phase” of being a newly wed…between the natural pleasures of being with someone I love and the effortless companionship…I am also still procrastinating, therefore have not plunged into the intense work mode that I am about to face for the semester (still vacationing)… yet…I’m very sober and very calm.

It’s like I’ve taken a leap away from all the factors of my life that swiftly knock me off my feet and cause me to run the hamster wheel, and somehow I am just enjoying the simplicity of present moments. The little tensions of miscommunications that quickly dissolve into expression and understanding. The laughter as smells filter through rooms (don’t ask). The silent moments where He gently nudges me to awareness. Pockets of hope in facing a new set of challenges for the semester that is about to begin. My focus has definitely shifted. But even though in my head I am thankful for everything… its like I am recovering from all the stress, anxiety, tensions, demands, voluminous highs and dreadful lows of last year… and now its time to reset and begin to let everything sink in. It’s time to slowly and steadily, take it all in…

This weird delay and shift in focus is new for me…and I’m curious to see where it leads.

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“It’s all about presence”

I am now trapped on the thought of this phrase…”it’s all about presence”.

In all my thinkings this week… did I forget the thing that ties it all together? Presence??? I think yes…

While in a simple discussion about my place within my family…presence became the focal point… it’s what makes a difference in all our relationships.

This would not be the time to point fingers of accusation nor to even draw a comparison to the concept of “out of sight, out of mind”…it goes even deeper than that.

Though you can talk to a person and get to know them… though you can believe in who they are and what they present themselves as… though they can hold a specific role in your life… all adding to them   acquiring a level of intimacy that seems to penetrate most facades (maybe some residual pretense exists but not anything substantial) —- please note these may or may not be mutual —-… without presence… something will always be missing… lacking… in want… in need…absent of…incomplete.

I am not even certain what word to use here.. but it seems to be understated in all our relationships… there is something about someone truly being there, that integrates and touches parts of the human soul which can not be reached in any other way. To the point that even words cease to play the most important part. That person… whether they are a significant other.. a family member… a friend… whatever they may be… are THERE… they may exist in your life physically and/or emotionally and/or mentally… I refuse to dive into what thoughts people may have about spiritual existence… but bottom line.. they are PRESENT…this is where entrance into our heart, thoughts and deepest parts of our being can be influenced. It’s the cause.. and the effect.

Presence is the opposite of some common scenarios listed below:

the absentee parents who are physically able to care for their children… but are truly not meeting the needs of their children to feel secure, adequate, loved, etc

the married couple living in growing silence or aimless bickering yet steadily marching on without choosing to let go of pride and selfishness

the girl who is only seen for her looks…her inner substance being completed neglected leading to her sadness

the boy who never had a father in his life so seeks the approval of any male figure

there are many examples of the absence which exists in our present day… however presence is an existence that is real… and when ignored, can leave us utterly empty…

will expound on this more possibly tomorrow! (too sleepy to think clearly but wanted to finish)