Thinking out loud while "changing my thinking"

in Him


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Expect the unexpected

One of the three rules that was given to me during the engagement period was to expect the unexpected. And the snarky response I gave back, part good humour – part arrogance, “well if it’s unexpected, it’s just a little hard to expect it isn’t it?” (not exact words).

But thinking on this today, I have to admit, I am amazed at how  selfish I can be and at how often my inner insecure child surfaces from the shadows.

Everyday with this man, I witness selfless, unconditional love. A desire to do anything to make me happy… a willingness to take the lower road when confronted with my self-justified rants…a quiet observation of moods as I swim in a sea of negative thoughts in the distance. He has had to deal with all of this before, but now, its 24/7.

I have always known he is more generous and loving than me. With every boundary I subconsciously or consciously tested, he showed patience with his ability to step back, listen, comprehend, and remain committed. Yet somehow, despite knowing a lot of my own weaknesses, and boy are there many, I did not expect to be so without a true understanding of what love is.

For some reason, I assumed my seemingly theoretical knowledge and experience with a variety of romantic and non-romantic relationships would somehow equip me to … well let’s just say… I assumed I would be a better than this. Though I know I am imperfect and have some deeply rooted issues… I just thought I would be better.

Hearing him say the other day, “I don’t just read the bible… when you really look into the bible, you can not stay the same… you change… every time I change.” The truth is, inside me, a small part of me dismissed his statement like whatever and another part was taken a back by it. But man, what a reality check for me.

I have spent the past few years of my life studying or reading the bible sometimes consistently… other times not so much… but I never realized how much sin had really hindered my growth…hindered the planting of the word deep into the grounds of my heart to bear the necessary fruit.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

There is no doubt I need to humble myself. There is no doubt I need Him to remove the calluses from my heart. It’s time to really learn what love is.

 

 

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Ground zero

I was just on the way to a rusty but decent post… then I chose to multitask …aka update java…and lost it all. Ugh!!!

It’s been at least 7 or 8 months since I last wrote a post and boy does it feel foreign at the moment. So many thoughts swirling through my mind… things that have been left untouched, some partially processed… and I think I’m slowly reaching the point where I would like to document them but I hesitate… where do I begin? What should I share and how much? Same old questions.

2014 was an eventful year. In fact, many will label it as a blessed year for me. Between securing a job, finishing grad school, engagement, survival summer job, moving up north to teach, and marriage! PHEW… but why am I not jumping up and down in excitement over all the changes?

Don’t get me wrong, I am basking in the “honeymoon phase” of being a newly wed…between the natural pleasures of being with someone I love and the effortless companionship…I am also still procrastinating, therefore have not plunged into the intense work mode that I am about to face for the semester (still vacationing)… yet…I’m very sober and very calm.

It’s like I’ve taken a leap away from all the factors of my life that swiftly knock me off my feet and cause me to run the hamster wheel, and somehow I am just enjoying the simplicity of present moments. The little tensions of miscommunications that quickly dissolve into expression and understanding. The laughter as smells filter through rooms (don’t ask). The silent moments where He gently nudges me to awareness. Pockets of hope in facing a new set of challenges for the semester that is about to begin. My focus has definitely shifted. But even though in my head I am thankful for everything… its like I am recovering from all the stress, anxiety, tensions, demands, voluminous highs and dreadful lows of last year… and now its time to reset and begin to let everything sink in. It’s time to slowly and steadily, take it all in…

This weird delay and shift in focus is new for me…and I’m curious to see where it leads.