Thinking out loud while "changing my thinking"

in Him

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(Exhale)… For the first time in several months, as the chaos dissipates… I hear silence.

I have missed moments like these… moments where I can hear the birds chirping, watch the deep green leaves rustle in the wind, and hear insects crash into my glass patio door – though today one ended up in a gecko’s mouth.

 I have longed for this stillness for so long, it seems surreal. 

This morning, I am reflecting on where I am today with a level of gratitude…yet, I can’t help but ask myself, “What just happened?”

It’s like I was swimming blind folded underwater for months and now I have come up to take some air, and find myself facing a completely new land… and I am wondering is this where I belong? Is this real? How did I get here? Am I happy? Or better yet, content?

Years ago, the process of “sitting – planning – expecting” stopped. I learned to accept the patterns and cycles I found myself trapped in, though I always put up a fight or attempted to resist. I gave up on chasing some “idea” of what my life should look like. I made peace with where I was, and made the most of it.

During this period, I also found some level of satisfaction in being confident in whom I was, and more free to walk to the beat of my own drum. While others anxiously desired the model happy life of success, companionship, or whatever else… I learned to just watch and evaluate myself along the way.

Some might think this meant I was protecting myself from feeling disappointment, or that I had lost hope… but really I had just learned to separate myself from the limitations of time.

Time is the ultimate source of pressure for most of us. There is a sense of failure when we think of what little we have accomplished or experienced at a certain point in time. There is a sense of fear that our “dreams” will never be fulfilled within this lifetime. But at the end of it all, who says your life has to fall on the same scale as everyone else? Who instilled that scale… and why is it the standard?

Don’t get me wrong, taking double the amount of time I expected, to complete my graduate studies may never be something I look back on with pride and happiness… however, EVERYTHING was worked for my good (Rom 8.28)… and boy did I go out with a bang! 

I have officially attained my doctorate in chemistry and it still has not sunk in… who knew there would be no climax even after attending graduation. I have secured a job that I am extremely excited about and can’t wait to give my undivided attention to…and in one sweep, I have gotten engaged to a man that could not be a better complement to me… a man that I consider my friend and family… a man who’s presence has given me a sense of home.  Yet I am still asking myself, “What just happened?”

In my next post, I plan on slowly addressing some of these questions as I reflect on the happenings of my life these past few months … but what I am really grateful for, in this moment, may have been missed.

It’s like I was swimming blind folded underwater for months and now I have come up to take some air…