Thinking out loud while "changing my thinking"

in Him


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Good laughs, good eats, good happenings = Good trip (Raleigh, NC)

The journey north was long but overall, FUN. Not only did my group (lab mates) get to truly just be in each others company for a change…which is a nice deviation from the standard meetings, etc… I think we actually enjoyed each other… I can definitely speak for myself, that I enjoyed them. Each person had a different flavour… each person was key in playing off/feeding into another…and there were some little one on one moments that I will definitely cherish. I thrive on such times when we can just connect, as people, on a different level.

I love my group/my co-workers. Oh and the singalongs.. who would have thought these serious faced scientists had it in them to get goofy and “serenade” a restaurant.

I also had the opportunity to re-connect with old friends… man I love those guys.. had no clue her brother was even back in the country.

But in reality, we went to Raleigh for the SEMRC conference.. but can you tell that was not the highlight of my trip?

On a different note, so many little things happened at this conference that truly just left me encouraged.

First I got a letter that turned down my application for a travel award,… then the recant saying that the first letter was a mistake. This is after I had already started talking to God about me accepting my app being turned down. Then I saw the professor who essentially marked the beginning of my graduate career completely changing course… like literally, this is the man I went to GA tech to work for… and yea… long story short, decided he did not want to keep me due to limited funding, etc. And from that point, I have gone through 2 other advisors (rough experiences)…I also ran into my favourite graduate advisor from GAtech.. and we had the opportunity to catch up.. he is still so adorable and forever looks like a baby…. I don’t understand it. And then the talk…despite being completely unprepared… having to present other people’s research… and totally insecure about that. Once again, the peace that surpasses all understanding hit like a wave.. and the comment I got was that I was “smooth”… lol. go figure.

I could not help but think after all these things of one word… restoration.

Not sure why, but that word popped in my head many times… cause all I could think of was how I saw flashes of my past… and could stand. I remembered how a long time ago… one of the two advisors I have gone through since that first one…told me I had something special.. the way I commanded the room while delivering my original proposal (my very own, original idea… i forgot I actually created a project back then)… to my committee at GAtech.. and I remembered how worthless I felt when I stood at UF a failure… low… told I could never get a doctorate…. and I saw myself now, inspired… working hard (though that’s  definitely draining at times)… with a boss who seems moody, that I rarely see yet supports me in true faith of my potential… and another boss who thinks I can master anything… overcome any challenge (I tend to go down kicking and screaming but eventually allow God to make up for where I lack)…

So many memories flew through my mind.. its like I came full circle.. I was so confident before… it all got torn down… and slowly but surely…I am being rebuilt.. but on the right foundation this time… one that is sturdy… one that will last regardless of the stamp of approval.

This was a good trip… and I have a lot to think about.. a lot to be thankful for. Cause even though I see areas in my life that are lacking and need repair… man… nothing can take away from what is.

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Adoption

I was persuaded to listen to a tape called “dealing with rejection” and though overall, I thought the speaker made great points, I can not help but disagree with him on one part in particular: it should be easier to explain the gospel to an adopted child, than anyone else. Which in my mind equates to him saying they would be able to understand and receive it (and I could be completely wrong and bias based on side influences).

Though his reasoning seems fair and logical; it is very one-dimensional.

He uses the classic idea of having strangers know what you look like (etc) yet still choose you to be their child; how they were not stuck with you like parents who have a child through natural birth.

But, what of those children who were not chosen because they were wanted? What of those children who were placed as a burden of care to someone else due to unforeseen circumstances? Or the children who were used to manipulate a situation? Should that still be considered a “good” choosing?

What of the children who literally are the bait on the hook, conditioned to get the right fish that would lead to comfortable living? What if it’s a combination of circumstances or completely different?

In my head, I believe my family loves me. But nothing can change the impressions and feelings I grew up with as a child. Even though I was never even told I was “adopted,” as a kid, I beg to say it made the feeling of detachment, not belonging, being a stranger/odd ball… a more enhanced reality. I never spoke of it to my parents… how could I? I would not even know what to say. At most, I probably wrote a water downed version of my feelings to my mom in one of a million letters I wrote to her in attempts to communicate.

Watching your brother get the nice stuff… yet somehow feeling like you must be the responsible one… the one who does not burden the family… watching him get away with so much because he was “being stupid” (immature etc)… while you were just a calculated whatever.

There was no denying to myself that I did not fit. I knew I did not fit somehow… and I could never understand why. Eventually I learned why. Bottom line, my parents did the best they could… they loved me the way they could… they cared for me… they provided for me… and I will always be grateful for that because like the speaker said… we are not entitled to be adopted. But if I were to use my “adoption” analogy to relate to God’s choosing, I would be left utterly handicapped and unsure of a lot more.

Hearing my b. mother tell me that I was taken to keep her within a marriage… true or not… was not in any way going to help my perspective of how things were or are.

So no, I choose to say God’s choosing is UNLIKE any other. Nothing will ever take away the reality that God saved my life. That God saw me and made me worth something more. That He accepted every part of my being, even in my state of lacking any substance, with nothing to offer, depraved, whatever you want to call it… till this day, embraces me as I am.

God’s choosing is not comparable to anything mankind can offer because sad to say, people are selfish. Sometimes I ask myself why He chose me, because I can’t understand it… it does not make any sense to me considering how good He is…but I can tell you a lot of possible reasons as to why others have chosen me.

So I disagree with that earlier statement made by the speaker… because what I have experienced,… just the gift of having my eyes opened to the reality of God… Him constantly pursuing me in the midst of every choice I have made… even in the years of not acknowledging Him… the desire for my well-being… with Him helping me to realize I don’t have to “earn” His love like other people… no expectations… no pressures… no facades… walking through some of the darkest moments of my life with me… when I felt like a complete failure… worthless… aimless…alone… and He still gave me hope… and restored me over and over. No… nothing compares to that.

Adoption into God’s family… being chosen… redeemed…may seem easier to explain to an adopted child… but not necessarily. Sometimes, it makes it a challenge because you don’t even know what truly being accepted looks like. And that is something He has been and continues to work on in me.