Thinking out loud while "changing my thinking"

in Him

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“It’s all about presence”

I am now trapped on the thought of this phrase…”it’s all about presence”.

In all my thinkings this week… did I forget the thing that ties it all together? Presence??? I think yes…

While in a simple discussion about my place within my family…presence became the focal point… it’s what makes a difference in all our relationships.

This would not be the time to point fingers of accusation nor to even draw a comparison to the concept of “out of sight, out of mind”…it goes even deeper than that.

Though you can talk to a person and get to know them… though you can believe in who they are and what they present themselves as… though they can hold a specific role in your life… all adding to them   acquiring a level of intimacy that seems to penetrate most facades (maybe some residual pretense exists but not anything substantial) —- please note these may or may not be mutual —-… without presence… something will always be missing… lacking… in want… in need…absent of…incomplete.

I am not even certain what word to use here.. but it seems to be understated in all our relationships… there is something about someone truly being there, that integrates and touches parts of the human soul which can not be reached in any other way. To the point that even words cease to play the most important part. That person… whether they are a significant other.. a family member… a friend… whatever they may be… are THERE… they may exist in your life physically and/or emotionally and/or mentally… I refuse to dive into what thoughts people may have about spiritual existence… but bottom line.. they are PRESENT…this is where entrance into our heart, thoughts and deepest parts of our being can be influenced. It’s the cause.. and the effect.

Presence is the opposite of some common scenarios listed below:

the absentee parents who are physically able to care for their children… but are truly not meeting the needs of their children to feel secure, adequate, loved, etc

the married couple living in growing silence or aimless bickering yet steadily marching on without choosing to let go of pride and selfishness

the girl who is only seen for her looks…her inner substance being completed neglected leading to her sadness

the boy who never had a father in his life so seeks the approval of any male figure

there are many examples of the absence which exists in our present day… however presence is an existence that is real… and when ignored, can leave us utterly empty…

will expound on this more possibly tomorrow! (too sleepy to think clearly but wanted to finish)


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Quick fix


In the past, I used to spend a lot of my time dwelling in pits of loneliness…deep, painful, dark and cold pits of loneliness. Basically intolerable. Points where I would utterly question my entire existence on this planet we call earth… and would have relief in the idea of being gone…dead…

I would imagine if then, my life would suddenly matter to those around me…like I was having an outer body experience picturing the scenery as certain friends, colleagues, associates, etc would be in shock at my suddenly being plucked from their lives…from this world. I thought of those who might even shed tears when they learned of my passing… and I literally felt more loved in those made up scenes in my head than I did in the state I was in.

I imagined the regret of people who did not take the time to care for my soul.. the people who took me for granted… the one’s who could not see me and truly know the depths of my pain.

Sounds pretty dark… but this description only expresses the surface of what was my reality.

I chose various methods of escape, whether it was sexual, food, people, entertainment, alcohol, etc… all the standard things that are used to give me a purpose in that moment…a promise to elevate me out of that darkness.

Despite knowing time and time again that the quick fixes would leave me dissatisfied at the end… unfulfilled… and plunge me deeper into nothingness…I found myself addicted to the idea .. addicted to that moment of having a purpose and acting on it.

Today, I can say, a lot of those addictions are gone… some by choice, some not so much… while others are a work in progress… but has my battle with loneliness ended? or have I found more acceptable “quick fixes”? Or am I coping with loneliness in more wholesome ways?

One thing I can definitely say, is though I am alone…and have been alone for a long time now (even in the midst of relationships)… today I realized that I am not actually lonely. I miss having close, intimate relations in the form of truly sharing myself with someone… my thoughts, feelings, weaknesses and strengths, etc… i miss learning through the reflection of my character those relations offer… but i am not in pain.. there is actually a peace about where I am now… though I am alone..

and though a big part of me wants people who I care about or miss or love or whatever…to reach out… to speak to me… to tell me every once in a while that they are there for me etc.. I’m actually okay with where I am right now…

To answer the questions I posed earlier… I do not think my battle with loneliness has ended…i think its dormant… I think I am in the “cease-fire” of it all… Do I have more “acceptable” quick fixes? Maybe.. possibly, blogging is one of them for me…its a way to share what I think and feel without fighting for someones undivided attention and wondering if I am boring them to death or sounding too self-absorbed or whatever else… And yes, I am coping in more wholesome ways… when isolation does not seem like what I need in the moment… I extend myself beyond my boundaries and connect healthily to others.. or I just spend it with Him.

But I do believe the more I connect with Him, the more I make choices to be in good relationships, and resist all temptation of my mind to think on lies… the more I will experience transformation from the inside out… the more I will experience freedom and truly be content.

No relationship, no status, no popularity, no illusion of love, no knowledge about, no substance/material… will ever fill those pits. I’ve tried it all. My hope rests in Him.


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Where to begin


I have spent the past couple of days reading a lot of blog entries, talking to people whether in person or via text, thinking… and I find myself drawn to so many seemingly different topics that all boil down to the same thing… our desperate need. In an effort to discuss the topics… I am now trying to find a way to calm the raging waves of my thoughts which are going in every direction possible… so I can communicate clearly and more categorically…so please bear with me as I spew randomness!

The words that come to my mind are emptiness versus loneliness (which are not the same but can overlap), fear, no one can ignore the notorious topics – relationships, love… healing from the past versus moving forward, “finding yourself”, choices, belief… the list goes on.. I am not sure which to dive into first because they are all weighty topics which need some level of sensitivity.

Suggestions are welcome, considering I can have as many drafts going… and will typically only publish when I feel the thought has been completed.


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The smell of blood


I just got out of a 4 hours 20 minute torture session at my dentist’s office. Even though I will say that another prayer was answered in that they did not have to do a root canal on another tooth (THANK GOD), despite the decay being close to the nerves, they were able to drill slowly… painfully slowly… and removed all the soft decay matter to prepare it for filling. Add a wisdom truth extraction to this and it becomes pure hell!

I went through every possible sound and smell…

The sound of them drilling into my teeth coupled with the smell of burning bone…

The sound of them scrapping

The sound and feeling of them “elevating” my tooth out of its base in the tissues and nerves of my gum (jaws)… mind you… elevating is the term used but the action is literally them taking various shapes and sizes of tools that look like flat head screw drivers… jamming it into your gum tissue… twisting and turning while applying a significant amount of pressure…(and you hear the chiseling and grinding of your teeth as it comes in contact with the metal)… but the smell of blood was what got to me the most.Image

But let me back up… ONCE AGAIN… I heard the infamous, man, yours is going to be difficult.

Those words… telling me that I have a unique bone structure… blame it on genetics… it’s good quality bones cause it will not easily fall out… but when trying to extract the tooth… that’s definitely NOT what you want to hear.

Mine was more unique because there were highly curved… smh… what more could I ask for…first it was a premolar with “an illusive canal” turned to diverging into 3 canals… now this.

So midway through all the grinding and chiseling, high pressure… and increasing overwhelming smell of blood… the top part of my tooth gets crushed… my eyes swung wide open and I heard him try to reassure me that he knew that was going to happen, saying he never wants to freak his patients out so he does not tell them. (I would rather know what to expect).

Then he proceeds to tweeze, chisel, grind, drill, scrape… you name it.. every instrument and tool he could ask for.. to aid in removing the bottom pieces of highly curved tooth out of my gums… sigh.. not the most pleasant experience.

Even with all the horrible sounds and pressure… and aching of my jaws from being held open for so long… to the point I got a headache… the worst part was the smell of blood… first like rusted metal… and then to just death… smelled old and gross. Every time I would rinse trying to clear it out.. they would come back to work on something and the clot would get re-opened. phew…

I am so glad the major part is over. though I still have other wisdom teeth to extract… I am so grateful to hear the top ones are easier. Now I am just waiting for good ol’ perky (aka percocet) to kick in.


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Why is that the be all and end all?


A little while back, while in the midst of a conversation, I saw the “nugget” look…something that could either be lost in a barrel of thoughts forever (slight exaggeration) or could be shared to invoke more thoughts… a worthy conversational piece…

Why is that the be all and end all?

The that in question was basically marriage tagged with the idea of having the standard dream of kids, a house, etc. The idea of truly having it all … success (as long as a stable, comfortable income is generated)… Like once that happens, a light switches on and the deepest needs to love and be loved, to know and be known, to accept and be accepted…are instantly satisfied.

With statistics showing that in the USA, the divorce rate is about 50%, etc… why does this seem to be the last point that will mark our lives being complete?

But even aside from the statistics… what happens beyond the fairy tale ending? After the hero and the princess are united… what next? Is that it?

So much energy is placed in the idea of what that will bring into our lives… wholeness? security? comfort? happiness? a sense of self-worth or significance?

But what about the people who never get married…or got divorced… or are widowed? Where do they stand in this picture?

From my stand point, as much as I believe in marriage and the beauty of what it represents… as much as I hope to one day share in that… to grow through the challenges of the experience.. the commitment to serve another till death… well physical death at least. I would like to NOT get rushed into it… I would like to not be treated like I am less complete…inadequate… and like I am excluded from club elite because I am not there yet. Because the reality I see is that THAT is NOT the be all and end all.

that will not satisfy all my deep needs for love, acceptance, security and significance… that will not define who I am because my relationship status is not what gives me my identity.

I will not walk this path like my one purpose is to finally find THE ONE… like all of a sudden loneliness disappears (which it does not, talk to some married folk) and then I will be content?

The depths of my soul needs something way bigger and more fulfilling than what that can give… so how about we get a little realistic and put our hope in something that is constant and will actually last for an eternity. Desiring it is good…but there is something even greater.