As I heard my phone alarm go off, still in a state of daze…I laid there… and all I could say to Him is, “I am tired, I don’t want to get up…”
For most people, this is the norm. This is there natural response to wanting to continue their love affair with sleep. But for me, this was a cry of uncertainty as to whether I can keep going on.
I have always been one to wake up early… (like it or not)…energetic… lively…and a lot of times, really happy and/or joyful!. But this past week and a half especially, has been sheer torture.
I have literally run myself into the ground in every possible way and have reached my limit. The point where the hidden questions and deep thoughts of my heart make it to the forefront of mind like loudspeakers on max.
The Why’s, What’s, Who’s, When’s, … you name it… they are all there.
Clearly, very emotion driven at this point because I am physically worn out… but the good thing about these moments… periods… what I can refer to as “desperation points”.. is that I become all the more convinced of … certain of… why I am in the state I am in… what it’s going to take to get out of this state… who I can truly depend on… and of when (hopefully) and where I can finally find my rest. When I come to these points.. I begin to realise what’s an illusion and what’s real. I begin to see through the “smoke and mirrors” all over again… and the path… the ONLY path becomes more obvious…
Sad to say, but i’m also beginning to realise how true it is that suffering… in whatever form it comes in, seems to plunge us into these points of despair, making us all the more willing to find the source of our hope… our faith… whatever that might look like to the average human being. Some search for it…others return to it…either way, no one can truly do without it…