Thinking out loud while "changing my thinking"

in Him

Rehashing the past

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Ghost of girlfriends past  was probably one of my least favorite Matthew McConaughey (phew- rough name) movies.. what I like about this pic, is how it captures realities in life. All the hands of ex girlfriends, grabbing onto his jacket etc…signifying remaining ties he has to these previous relationships he was once entangled in. I actually don’t remember majority of the movie… but right now, it seems like a lot of past relationships, purely platonic ones and more relational ones that unfortunately may have been tainted with sexual encounters…some of which you really could care less that they are gone versus the ones you wonder about what could have been had things not changed etc…Either way, it seems this summer that a lot of them have been resurfacing.

I’ve had a old friend that I was once really close to send me a message, 4 years later basically apologising for how things went array in our relationship (honestly cant remember a thing about what happened), and telling me about missing my friendship which was really sweet and truly unexpected.

I have had another friend basically make it clear that they wanted an invitation to come see me because they felt unwelcomed due to things how our relationship took a turn at one point…a necessary turn by the way…I sent an evite LOL.

Not to talk of another one that sent a message to me after how many years… etc.. Long story short… coming out of the wood works… and very very VERY strangely so I might add.

But this entry is really about one in particular… this is that one person that you think to yourself, well that was a hard one to let go off cause we just click… there is no other way to explain it other than we just click… we have that connection… we get each other even without saying much… but you let it go because it was way too painful to sit in the holding pattern wondering…what’s going on? will we ever truly talk again? Are we or aren’t we?… and then you give up… you stop… not that you stopped caring for the person… but you stopped letting yourself be tortured  and release it completely… and decide… it’s enough, im done punishing myself… im moving forward.

The irony is, whenever I was asked, do I think I would ever become involved again?… I eventually would think about it and say no because I knew we were just at different places in your life now…

Well this week, I learned that this person is heading my way.. not for me of course but for another situation in his life.. and I was up till 2 am this morning…rehashing past exchanges we had via e-mail because he brought it up… and it just seemed so strange..

It started with the convo about how I e-mailed him to completely let go and end all ties in our relationship.. basically breaking soul ties… because I came to a point where I needed to forgive myself for what I had done wrong in our relationship and move on.. instead of waiting for what seemed like an eternity of not knowing if we would work it out and be okay… or not… and I could not remember even sending him this email until he kept explaining and I went searching for it… and was like wow.. I was seriously in a sincere place of just wanting to know God more and be free…. so I was weeding out all relationships and ties that were completely hindering my progress in that area…

And though I was okay with reading that… I started reading through some other emails that were sent… and thats when the worms started slithering out of the can slowly but surely…

one email was a desperate, heart wrenching plea of me trying to salvage anything possible that I could in that relationship.. begging for communication… begging for a glimmer of hope… begging for some expression even of anger that would indicate anything… and it was met with no response whatsoever… and 2 months later… when I finally got one, it was cold distant and apologised for the lack of communication… but not once addressed anything I had said… re-reading that e-mail and seeing what I said in response… resurfaced the memory of how hurt I was by that situation.. of how broken I became… and how I allowed myself to stay in that holding pattern because I felt I deserved it for what I did….and it all just came back

I realised why I let him go finally a few months after that… because I could not take any of it anymore…

and while on the phone, he told me of how his heart sank when he saw that email… the cutting ties email… and had to contact me asap to not lose me… and how hard that was … and how he wanted to re-read it because he believed it was a defining moment in life where had he not put all that effort in… we probably would not even be talking now…

I also saw the email I sent my parents when i was finally ready to tell them that I was dating him etc…

(sigh)

I broke soul ties with him and some others a while ago… I chose to move on… I chose to forgive… but seeing those e-mails again… its like in a sweep… without remembering all the details of the events of those times… like a scar got re-opened… I know they are just feelings.. and I can definitely separate from that… but it also is making me think of the present..

It’s making me think of more things I need to let go of…doors that need to be closed and remain closed…

Though i have been so distracted, and literally derailed from what drove me in the past to end things with certain people etc…

All of this.. and talking to a dear friend of mine this morning…who reminded me of my longings to truly learn to trust and depend on God COMPLETELY… has re-stirred my reality and has made me sober… and brought to question a lot of things, relationships, and decisions that need to be made…. have to be made…

(in a state of deep thought)

to be continued…

 

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Author: ladyhallow21

I am simply just me. Some people consider me free spirited...some consider me conservative. I have been told I am dominant, moody, playful and charming... but those are all just personality traits. Who I am is defined by who my Father calls me, his daughter...though adopted... I was chosen... and have an inheritance... so yes... that is who I am. in the midst of this, I am not a cookie cutter person... I am very much an expression of an individual. I love to travel...I love food...and I love people. :)

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