Thinking out loud while "changing my thinking"

in Him

Even expected rejection hurts

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Today I set out for the only activity I planned to do on this weekend getaway, zip-lining. Though I am scared of heights, I have always chosen to overcome my fears for the sake of having amazing outdoor experiences. Years ago, I hiked the pyrenees, despite being completely out of shape aka too out of breath to even make it past the starting point, and telling the group I went with to leave me behind… (pic to come later)…not to talk of skydiving which was such a thrill. I knew I was nervous about dangling on some chords across mountainous terrain but I was willing to give it a shot…

A month ago, when i initially made reservations, I knew I was a little bit over the weight limit but was convinced I could make myself lose the few pounds prior to the trip. Unfortunately, that was not the case… all my emotional and physical stresses, tagged with lack of self-control… actually caused me to gain a few more pounds.

Bottom line, I decided to try anyway. By the time I got there, a large group of what may have been just one family was being geared up to head out on their tour… while an elderly couple were waiting outside and a woman with her daughters were seated inside.

From the moment I walked in, I felt discomfort … every insecurity possible was playing with my mind.. the fact that people in there generally looked in shape.. i thought of everything the employees there were thinking as they saw this chunky, out of shape girl walk in.. thoughts like… “she has got to be kidding”…”she’s fat”…”is she really here to zip-line or just to inquire”… etc.. what made it worse is when this man with a santa claus belly had just gotten off the scale, asked one of the girls behind the counter (there were about 3 of them and a guy, all adding to my discomfort)… what his weight was…. the girl proceeded to be discrete by showing him what she wrote down and I caught a glimpse.. he was 226 lbs… I was like OMG…As big as he looked, he was only 226 lbs… I was around there at one point.. wow… talk about feeling kinda discouraged.

I proceeded to fill out the forms that basically say the company is not liable for my death nor injury… so I will never be able to sue them… ya da ya da ya da…and of course they had the weight restrictions as the first reason that would give them the right to deny your participation. But I carried on reading through the disclaimers and safety policies, and once I was done… I looked over at the counter hoping there would be less people loitering around…but it looked like there were even more… ah well…

so I walked over and waited for eye contact with one of the girls, and basically told her I thought I was over the weight limit so was wondering how that would work out… In reality, I KNEW I was over the weight limit… she kindly said to me, I should just get on the scale and lets see.. and I was actually 4 lbs heavier than what I wrote down.. so she wrote the correct weight and told me she would wait to discuss the situation with her manager because as expected, weight plays a huge role in travelling speed aka.. safety issue.

Eventually, I heard my last name and there he was again, the tall lanky guy I had seen earlier standing by the counter.. he asked if he could speak to me outside for a minute and I knew…went through the motions of hearing him tell me how he could not let me participate and asked, so… do I get a credit to use later? or?… and he gave me a whole explanation of how they had to turn other people away from my spot but that he was willing to give me 50% back. I was like okay.

Then the return to the over crowded counter as the girl took me across the room to another register to issue my refund. The hardest part, was gathering my belongings and having to walk out of the lobby, back to my car… knowing that people were looking at me….feeling like a failure… like it was the most obvious walk of shame…

Everything in me wanted to turn to my quick fix for consolation, validation,… anything that would make it feel less …I dont even know what word to use. But I made a choice to just share and resolve with Him…it was hard because I felt like I was trying to reach for peace that was not attainable in that moment… like I was trying to convince myself everything was okay…but nothing was really changing…

However, as I headed back…thoughts flying through my head as I thanked Him for what seems to be a full refund, and just strength to move forward without instant gratification… I came to another cross road where a choice needed to be made… I could either continue on my current path and just find something to drown my sorrows ( food, people, etc) … or make the decision to change my lifestyle, being mindful of what I eat…not giving into every little craving, etc… once again, I had found myself at a point where I was just tired of not being able to do all the things I enjoy doing (outdoor excursions)… Even though in reality I am loved and accepted, and need to really internalize that… moreso, I knew it was time to truly live out what I believe…(more on that later!)



Author: ladyhallow21

I am simply just me. Some people consider me free spirited...some consider me conservative. I have been told I am dominant, moody, playful and charming... but those are all just personality traits. Who I am is defined by who my Father calls me, his daughter...though adopted... I was chosen... and have an inheritance... so yes... that is who I am. in the midst of this, I am not a cookie cutter person... I am very much an expression of an individual. I love to travel...I love food...and I love people. :)

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